Reflective Queen
Queen Me shares ...
In less than a week, I will say goodbye to some dear friends. I’ve known them for almost a year and a half and am saddened by the need to do this. But, do it I must. Discovering my friends in the fall of 2003 was indeed divinely inspired. I needed to meet them. I needed to be with them. But, mostly I needed the smiles, laughter and warm embrace they offered to me. Hopefully, I gave them at least just a little of what they gave me. But, I will probably never know.
Anyway, I must now say goodbye, but not without a heartfelt thank you.
And, Still Reflecting …
One goodbye that I can’t seem to say, though, is a goodbye to Sugar. I know. I am on such a roller coaster ride with this sweet girl. After a frantic e-mail to her former Foster Mom (oh, about this time last week), I’ve been riding high again.
Sugar wants so desperately to please us. As a result, she quickly stopped snapping at my daughter. This experience reminds me of how I viewed myself when I was a first time mother. Overwhelmed and panicked, I truly wondered how I would be able to do THIS for the next twenty years? And, that’s where my logic was flawed. Of course, I wasn’t going to be doing THIS for that long. I was only going to be doing the infant stage for a year and then the toddler stage for a limited amount of time. The stage when I breastfeed and didn’t sleep wasn’t going to last forever. Oh, it most certainly felt like it would at the time, but reality painted a completely different picture—one I simply couldn’t see.
Well, along comes Sugar. And, I guess I had forgotten this little lesson. Because, I mistakenly took the same view when we adopted our rescue dog. I would throw up my hands in disgust, “She’s never going to be housebroken,” or “She’s going to howl all night for the rest of my life!” I also felt like I was suffocating. She needed me so much. Sugar followed me everywhere and always had to sit right next to me. So, I awfulized about it. Awfulizing is a term used by best selling author and speaker Joan Borysenko, Ph.D. It’s creating something really awful, scary or upsetting out of nothing. It’s imagining all these terrible things that are happening now or in your future. I mean, I literally thought: She’s going to be needy for the rest of her life, which means I will never have any peace!
Of course, I was completely off base. Sugar doesn’t howl anymore, rarely has an accident and doesn’t feel the need to follow me around. And, my now seven-year-old daughter no longer needs my constant attention. I don’t have to pump breast milk anymore nor do I change diapers. Sleep. That’s something I get plenty of now unless an attack of growing pains strikes.
The Reflection Continues …
Very recently, I had to deal with a situation that troubled me. And, again, I awfulized. I poured so much energy into the situation that I’m sure I made it grow and grow and grow. Well, at least I made it grow in my imagination. And, in my awfulizing way, I assumed if a few people thought a certain way, then surely everyone else did too. Yep, that’s awfulizing. “Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, and I guess I’ll go eat worms.” I call it being “slimed”. Because when the slime finds me (the good opinions of others that’s critical or judgmental), it usually sticks. No matter how hard I try to avoid it or wipe it off, I can’t. It always lands on me. I see it coming and instead of stepping aside, I stand front and center. I take it right in the face.
So, here’s my pledge. I’m tired of accepting slime. Not only that, I tired of wallowing in the slime. And, I’m not going to do it anymore. The SLIME stops here.
Do I really get it? I sure hope so. Because (and I guess only time will tell), but experiencing the slime and then finally understanding that I will refuse to participate made me recognize how far I've come and that I'm no longer willing to go back to the old way of dealing with it.
Today, I start a new path—and take one step closer to living a more truthful and authentic existence. I’ve been talking about it for years. I’ve been dancing around it for years. Of course, as I write this … I’m also a little fearful because now that I’ve taken a stand … doesn’t that mean a test will follow? Hhhhhmmmm. Alrighty, bring it on! I’m ready.
In less than a week, I will say goodbye to some dear friends. I’ve known them for almost a year and a half and am saddened by the need to do this. But, do it I must. Discovering my friends in the fall of 2003 was indeed divinely inspired. I needed to meet them. I needed to be with them. But, mostly I needed the smiles, laughter and warm embrace they offered to me. Hopefully, I gave them at least just a little of what they gave me. But, I will probably never know.
Anyway, I must now say goodbye, but not without a heartfelt thank you.
And, Still Reflecting …
One goodbye that I can’t seem to say, though, is a goodbye to Sugar. I know. I am on such a roller coaster ride with this sweet girl. After a frantic e-mail to her former Foster Mom (oh, about this time last week), I’ve been riding high again.
Sugar wants so desperately to please us. As a result, she quickly stopped snapping at my daughter. This experience reminds me of how I viewed myself when I was a first time mother. Overwhelmed and panicked, I truly wondered how I would be able to do THIS for the next twenty years? And, that’s where my logic was flawed. Of course, I wasn’t going to be doing THIS for that long. I was only going to be doing the infant stage for a year and then the toddler stage for a limited amount of time. The stage when I breastfeed and didn’t sleep wasn’t going to last forever. Oh, it most certainly felt like it would at the time, but reality painted a completely different picture—one I simply couldn’t see.
Well, along comes Sugar. And, I guess I had forgotten this little lesson. Because, I mistakenly took the same view when we adopted our rescue dog. I would throw up my hands in disgust, “She’s never going to be housebroken,” or “She’s going to howl all night for the rest of my life!” I also felt like I was suffocating. She needed me so much. Sugar followed me everywhere and always had to sit right next to me. So, I awfulized about it. Awfulizing is a term used by best selling author and speaker Joan Borysenko, Ph.D. It’s creating something really awful, scary or upsetting out of nothing. It’s imagining all these terrible things that are happening now or in your future. I mean, I literally thought: She’s going to be needy for the rest of her life, which means I will never have any peace!
Of course, I was completely off base. Sugar doesn’t howl anymore, rarely has an accident and doesn’t feel the need to follow me around. And, my now seven-year-old daughter no longer needs my constant attention. I don’t have to pump breast milk anymore nor do I change diapers. Sleep. That’s something I get plenty of now unless an attack of growing pains strikes.
The Reflection Continues …
Very recently, I had to deal with a situation that troubled me. And, again, I awfulized. I poured so much energy into the situation that I’m sure I made it grow and grow and grow. Well, at least I made it grow in my imagination. And, in my awfulizing way, I assumed if a few people thought a certain way, then surely everyone else did too. Yep, that’s awfulizing. “Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, and I guess I’ll go eat worms.” I call it being “slimed”. Because when the slime finds me (the good opinions of others that’s critical or judgmental), it usually sticks. No matter how hard I try to avoid it or wipe it off, I can’t. It always lands on me. I see it coming and instead of stepping aside, I stand front and center. I take it right in the face.
So, here’s my pledge. I’m tired of accepting slime. Not only that, I tired of wallowing in the slime. And, I’m not going to do it anymore. The SLIME stops here.
Do I really get it? I sure hope so. Because (and I guess only time will tell), but experiencing the slime and then finally understanding that I will refuse to participate made me recognize how far I've come and that I'm no longer willing to go back to the old way of dealing with it.
Today, I start a new path—and take one step closer to living a more truthful and authentic existence. I’ve been talking about it for years. I’ve been dancing around it for years. Of course, as I write this … I’m also a little fearful because now that I’ve taken a stand … doesn’t that mean a test will follow? Hhhhhmmmm. Alrighty, bring it on! I’m ready.
posted by Allyn Evans at 12:13 PM
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